Friday, May 26, 2006


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."- Lillian Carter (mother of President Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor BorgeBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.- WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis DillerThe cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.- Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Thanks John G.

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