If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the petsyndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the storybelow will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's whathappened:Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in hisroom. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious,dad, can you help?"I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him intohis bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,"come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies.""What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"I was equally outraged."Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them toreproduce," I accused my wife."Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically! )"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
I reminded her, (in my mostloving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together)."Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed."Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," sheinformed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you! think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it."Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked."Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter oftiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do thinkshe was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tinyfoot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted."It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified."Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when itnext appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried severalmore times with the same results."Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged."I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women canbe so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the littleanimal through a magnifying glass."! What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically."Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speakto you privately for a moment?"I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to beokay?" my wife asked."Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um.... pleasure themselves. Just the way he did,lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just. .. excited," my wife offered."Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.And then even laugh loudly."What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the womanI married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that. .I'mpicturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped formore air to bellow in laughter once more."That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me."Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless!
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!(I would just like to point out that apparently I am not the only person to use the term Ã¢â‚¬Å“winkieÃ¢â‚¬)
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness
Thanks Bernie C.