Wednesday, December 06, 2006

New Rules for 2007 by George Carlin

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just forweddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releasesfrom jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buyit for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's areason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don'tparticularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain ofthe football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better descriptionfor these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. Ifyou're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men careabout your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a wholeaisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that waterytaste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavoredwater? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing aredesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the topis now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger thea**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandehalf-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbreadcappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and oneNutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding mycard, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, thekid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating myAlmond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in itdoesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anythingspiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're notspiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the sevendeadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of CompetitiveEating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damnedexciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry forM&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I justhad sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to bethere, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on yourwebcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know inmonths. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

Thanks Win S.

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