Tuesday, January 31, 2006



A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus,
"You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

-A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks,
"What are you going to use on this hole my son?
"The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?
"The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.
"The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray,
we keep our head down."

Mulligan: An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer.
After a bad tee shot, he played a"Mulligan" which was an extremely good one.
He then asked the Scot,"What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
We call it hitting 3."

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective! asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her,hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....
just put me down for a five."

A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;
the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven,
St.Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer",to which the man replied:
"Got here in two, didn't I?"

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye and said,
"This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Thanks Murray

A drunk Looking for his car

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand
and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?""

Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
wiener is hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out.....

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too

Thanks Richard

I Love My Mouse

Thanks Richard

Watch that first step..!

Thanks Rose

The CEO of Purdue Chicken met the Pope

The CEO of Purdue Chicken manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispers,"Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Purdue is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.

"The Purdue guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Purdue respect your adherence to your faith, but we will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken. “Please consider it." And then he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.""The good news is that the Church will very soon come into a $500 million dollar donation.""And the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"We'll be losing the Pillsbury Account."

Thanks Ralph

THE Drank and Shank Laws of Golf

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it
up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is
actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look
down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the
ball if you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a
minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to
play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
mind during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you
can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green
is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share
his ideas about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant
elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to
compensate for all of your many other errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a
very large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch
branch 90% of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of
the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the
speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph,
handicap15 ..downswing 300mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your
backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many
hands you have,and which one is wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the
ball,but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker,
your ball is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Thanks JMcC

Monday, January 30, 2006

Obituary.. Quesnel Howard

From The Montreal Gazette
QUESNEL, Howard. Died suddenly at the Charles Lemoyne Hospital on Saturday January 28, 2006. Beloved husband of Patricia (nee Mann), treasured father of Laurie (Stephen), Randy (Nicky) and Dean, nephew of Maurice King. Cherished grandfather of Cody, Dana, Darcy, Meghan, Tara and Dylan. Visitation at Collins Clarke MacGillivray White, 307 Riverside Drive (at Argyl), St. Lambert on Monday January 30 from 7 to 9 p.m. and Tuesday January 31 from 2 to 5 p.m. and 7 to 9 p.m. Funeral Mass from St-Mary's Parish Church. 125 Grove Street, Greenfield Park on February 1 at 11 a.m. Friends and family are welcome to share their memories at www.mem.com In lieu of flowers, donations to the Montreal Children's Hospital would be greatly appreciated

Gazette Guest Book
Thanks Bernie

Another Passing of a GPKer

Marty, I just received an e-mail from Win Swinwood to say that Ralph "Chase" Sundborg, one of the greatest fastball pitchers to come out of the Park passed away Sun. Jan. 29th at about 7:30 pm in Victoria BC. There will be no funeral. The body will be cremated and there will be a family gathering at the family farm in New Brunswick to spread the ashes. JMcC
Thanks John & Win..

Men's Sensitive Side

A woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly regarded restaurant.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little bears...carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way all along the top shelf.

Quite the display!She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.All the while thinking to herself, Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one -- maybe he could be the father my children!

"She turns to him, they kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?

"The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Thanks Barry & Louise

What can I say??

Thanks Barry & Louise

Mouse Problem Solved

I have a little problem and it's going to take me a little longer to answer
my E-mails now…

Thanks Barry & Louise

Recently a routine DUI Check

Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies,Newfoundland.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on,then off a couple of times,honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a! Little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzertest. T

o his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.because this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfoundlander.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Thanks Ralph

Same Joke just Different Side of the Border

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
Nothing is moving for what looked like half a mile.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.
"The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"

Thanks Murray

Church Test

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man.

''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.

Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's okay,'' said the man.

''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

Thanks Bob

Word Origin

Fluke - The use of this word to mean "chance" or "luck" comes from the game of billiards, where it referred to a lucky shot. The word is also used in English to refer to a type of flat fish and the flat hook of an anchor, but these uses are unrelated.

Happy Birthday Brian Robinson

Sunday, January 29, 2006

What can I say??

Thanks Barry & Louise

Why Newfies Can't be Paramedics

Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
"By t'undering Jesus, I think Bud is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy andfollow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.

Joe comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"

Thanks Barry & Louise

To all the girls we've admired from afar

How's This For Depressing?
Brigette Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Lena Horne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74 J
ean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
Kim Novak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74


Thanks Jim

Arkansas Rock Man

Hey Bro,
I know things move a little slower in the south, but I could have walked to Memphis and taken pics myself faster than this guy changes his oil.


The value of a drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drinkI feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let theirdreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack HandyWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they'regoing to feel all day. "~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny YoungmanWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen WrightWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's allget drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
"WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Thanks Murray


Animals in a home town zoo

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now think about it.....


Are you Sure???? Scroll down

Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves. 1 ass. and an unknown number of hares.

Have a good day..

Thanks Bob

OTTAWA SUN ( Custody Issue )

Ottawa Courtroom Drama Mon, 23 Jan 2006

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of an Ottawa courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custodyof him.
The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his auntbeat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs,whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Thanks Sandy

Friday Night Dinner On The Beach

Thanks Murray

How come we're not invited??

JMcC & I could use a break from winter.

1963 the GPAA bantam football

In 1963 the G.P.A.A. entered a bantam football team in the South Shore Pop Warner Football League.
The team known as the Greenfield Park Rams was admirably coached by Elmo Pilon, Ken Crawley and Gordie Pearce.

I was lucky enough to have played on that team. The following year a midget team known as the Mustangs was formed. Coaches Pilon, Crawley and Pearce stayed with the bantam team of 1964, and a new set of coaches took over the midget team. These men, Jeff Willett, Herbie Holmes, Chuck Catto and Norman Burnett kept the Park team a powerhouse in the South Shore League.
They were assisted by men like Ed Walker and Jimmy Small.This team featured players like Gerry Clayton, Bob Meldrum, Bobby Cooper, Wayne Robbins, Shaune Lawton, Dave Houle, Bill Knight, Barry Hollingdrake, Larry Dixon and Steve Went.

I have sent along a certificate we all received at the banquet at the end of the year, a team photo with everyone’s names as well as a photo of me kicking off after one of our team’s many touchdowns. I think the green sweatered team in the picture is a player on the Otterburn Rifles, because the St. Bruno Knights I believe wore black, and the St. Hubert Flyers wore blue.

After three years many of the players continued on with the South Shore Colts coached by John McConachie, Gerry Yaccato, Ken Phillips, Claude Joyal and John O’Boyle.

Thanks John Riley

Thanks John

Sorry I couldn't sharpen the pics any better.

An Elderly Couple at Church

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway
Through she leans over and says, " I just let a silent fart what do you think I
should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Thanks Gus & Mavis

Hiding in Plain Sight

Do you think anyone will recognize me??

Thanks Bob
I hope they don't mistake him for a terrorist


Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
Look carefully at the picture. Do you know the answer?

The only possible answers are "left" and "right."

Think about it . Scroll down

Still don't know? Scroll down

Okay, I'll tell you. scroll down

The pre-schoolers all answered "left." When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?" they answered: "Because you can't see the door."

Feel pretty silly now, don't you?

I know ... me, too.

Thanks Barry & Louise

What words starts with F ??

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked,

"Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.

My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office,

the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Broo ks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, it's hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opeen really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands"

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'CK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Thanks Barry & Louise

Saturday, January 28, 2006

A good friend passes away in GPK

A good friend of Georgia and I, as well as many Greenfield Park residents, has passed away.

Howie Quesnel died this morning, at the age of 67, at 11:37 am at the Charles Lemoyne Hospital. Howie was very much involved in the Greenfield Park football scene, the Legion, the Greenfield Park Credit Union, the municipal political scene as well as the Riverside School Board prior to his retirement. He was the husband of Pat, father of Laurie, Randy and Dean. He was Grandad to Cody, Tara, Megan, Dana, Darcy and Dylan.

Funeral arrangements will be announced in the Montreal Gazette.

I ask that you please post this on his behalf.

Ken Crawley

Sorry for the loss Ken..

The passing of another GPKer

Hi Marston,
Don't remember if you were still here or had already moved away but there was a manager of the Credit Union on Churchill by the name of Howie Quesnel. I am sure that some old Parkers remember him. This short message is to inform anyone who remembers him that he passed away today, Saturday January 28, 06 at the age of 67. When the obit appears in the Gazette I will pass it on to you in case you want to publish it.

Will do Bernie

Recent Obit. from Mtl Gazette

John R.

Obit and serious illness of another

Hi Marston,

I just wanted to let your readers know about the recent passing of Parkers or ex-Parkers or their wives, and the sickness of another.

Pat Clark, wife of Charlie Clark of Boyd St. passed away last week. The funeral has already been held. Pat, like her husband was a much loved member of the community. Charlie was a regular in the Over the Hill Softball League, and like his wife always had a warm smile for everyone. Pat and Charlie have two boys, Dean and Brent who went to school in the Park.

Audrey Sundborg, of the illustrious Sundborg clan of Murray Ave. passed away on Jan. 23, her obituary is below:

Audrey’s sister-in-law Albina, wife of the late Leslie Sundborg passed away last week as well. Leslie grew up in the Park, but he and his wife Albina recently resided in Kitchener, Ontario.

I have also been informed by Lori Frampton Newbury, wife of Fred Newbury of Empire Ave. in the Park, and niece of Audrey and Leslie Sundborg that another of the Sundborg family is seriously ill. Ralph Sundborg, who visited Greenfield Park this past summer, and got to see a few old friends on his visit hasn’t been given much longer to live. He was out in Victoria B.C. visiting family when he fell extremely ill. He hopes to return to his farm near Moncton, New Brunswick, but doctors don’t want to let him fly. He is a real fighter, and we hope his days as a boxer, enable him to return home. If any of his friends want to send him a card of encouragement, now might be the time to do it.

John Riley

Need to feed the donkey more often..!

Hey TEN is this our Arkansas Rock Man??

A Scottish Joke

A Scotsman, a sheep and a dog were the sole survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every night to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman.
Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three continued to watch sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. Theonly survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their eveningritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the Scotsman began to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned towards the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear....
"Would ye mind taking the dog for a wee walk?"

Thanks Bob

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here.
You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!.
"Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor,

"Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.
"Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. . . . ... ..
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Thanks Sandy

I Was Told to Take Care of This Little Guy

Thanks Lou

Disorder in American Courts

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?Whatschool did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Thanks Murray

Quickie Chuckles about Life

  1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
  2. 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  3. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
  4. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
  5. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  6. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
  7. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
  8. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
  9. 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
  10. 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
  11. 11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
  12. 12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"1
  13. 3. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
  14. 14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
  15. 15. I signed up for an exercise class and was to ld to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fit ting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
  16. 16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
  17. 17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
  18. 18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
  19. 19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
  20. 20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
  21. 21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  22. 22. My husband says I never listen to him.. At least I think that's what he said.
  23. 23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  24. 24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
  25. 25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
  26. 26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Thanks Carolyn

Back Yard Snow

Hi Marty:

That snow scene from John McC is georgous! We sure don't see that around here unless we travel about 3 hrs. Even then, I haven't been around anything like that picture since leaving Canada. The storm looked bad last week, but the results are fantastic.

JoAnn in Arizona

Thanks JoAnn
Some of us have found other ways to stay warm instead of heading south...

John McC's Back Yard after Storm

Marty, these two photos were taken the day after the photos of the snow storm I sent to you last Sat. A real winter wonderland n'est-ce-pas? Just an example of how we in the Ottawa valley take care of our gardens. At the end of October we put the gardens to bed and then pray for a deep blanket of snow to protect the perennial plant roots over the winter from whence they will emerge again in the Spring in all their splendour. JMcC

Thanks John
I think JoAnn has started a back yard thing..

Paul Beaudreau's DVD & VHS on GPK

The price for the DVD is $20.00 and $15.00 for the VHS format plus shipping and handling.
Contacts are John Riley--450-466-2992 or Paul Boudreau--450-671-5141.

Thanks . John McC

John Riley's Book on this history of GPK

The information for the book is as follows; 37 soft cover left @ $24.95 and 19 hard cover @ $50.00. John Riley @ 450-466-2992 has copies of both and the General Store Publishing @ 1-800-465-6072 has copies of the soft covers.

Thanks John McC

Friday, January 27, 2006

Traffic Jam in Canada

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled it down and asked "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Paul Martin, Stephen Harper, Jack Layton & Gilles Duceppe. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asked,
"How much is everyone giving, on average?"

The man replied, "About a gallon"

Thanks Barry & Louise

Girl's Softball Comment

I really enjoyed John's posting from his book on Girl's softball in Greenfield Park as it reminded me of stories I have heard of my own mom. Even though we ended up in the Park she never played ball in Greenfield Park. She played in the Montreal Leagues and one year (193? ) her team St Matts won the city Championship.

I remember her telling me one of the Girls on her team went on to either run in the Olympics or win a metal in the Olympics( 1932 or 36). Her name was Myrtle Cooke who later married and her son is Don McGowan of CFCF Montreal fame. I am sure John, like myself cannot watch " A League of Our Own" without thinking of his mom.It's kinda neat. Thanks John.

Thanks Ralph

More on Girls Softball in GPK

Ralph, what was your mother’s maiden name?
My mother played in that Montreal League from about 1930 to about 1938, so must have played against your mother.
I have a banner from one championship team from that period.
If it wasn't so huge I'd scan it. Myrtle Cooke was part of Canada’s gold medal 400 meter relay team in the 1928 Olympics if I'm not mistaken.

In the 1930s she wrote a daily column in the Gazette or the Herald or the Star in which she said a lot of nice things about Greenfield Park.
She also appears to have been a big booster of my mother.
I have many of her columns from that time and I’ll send a couple of them in to Marston for posting.
I'll check to see if there is any mention of your mom's team.

I don't think I noticed her or her team earlier, but it may be in one of the columns I saved. Could she have played for St. Pat’s? I do have a clipping of that team. You could go to any large university library where they have microfilm of major Canadian newspapers.
Maybe you could find mention of your mom or her team. Then they paid a lot more attention to local teams than now.

My mother, Edith Hineson, also mentioned another interesting thing about that league.
The winners of the gold and silver medals in the 1932 Olympic Games in the 100 yard dash played in the league during the mid 1930s.

The silver medalist I already mentioned, Hilda Strike, for Canada.
She played for Murray’s Athletic Club. The gold medalist, a North American who had run for Poland was Stella Walsh.
My mother said many of the girls felt nervous around Stella, as she was very quiet and always changed away from everyone else. It was only many years later, after she had been struck down and killed by a car in New York City that it was revealed that she had really been a man.

But she’s still listed as the gold medal winner in the Olympic record books.
It sort of makes Mark McGuire’s and Barry Bond’s cheating pale by comparison.

The sister of Dickie Moore, (I don’t know her first name) also played in the ladies league.
Dickie played left wing for the great Montreal Canadiens teams of the 1950s.

Another interesting story involves a player named Lee Quinn who played for St. Pat’s. She was a good friend of my mother as players often switched teams at the end of seasons, so they must have played together some time or another.
Many years later Lee was run over by a bus and had a leg amputated. She and my mother lost track of each other.

Sometime in the late 1970s my wife and I took my mother to a movie at the old Greenfield Park Cinema near the old Pascals Store.

After I started my car in the parking lot, the radio came on to CFCF with Ted Tevan’s late night sport talk show. But instead of sports,
Tevan was in the middle of a life and death drama with a listener live on the radio. Tevan was trying to keep the woman conscious and talking to him so he could find out where she was living.

It seems she had taken a large number of pills with the attention of commiting suicide. Tevan only knew her as Lee, but as she talked to him my mother exclaimed, I know that voice – it’s Lee Quinn who used to play ball with me.
We rushed home, called the police and the radio station and informed them of Mrs. Quinn’s address. My mother was right, and the police were able to save her life. Just a story that came to mind looking at these old newspapers.

I’m also sending a copy of the ladies softball rules from another paper. Check out the fact that only the catchers and first baseman could wear mitts.
John Riley

Thanks John

Ladies Softball (J. Riley)

Hi Marston,

Ralph sent you a note commenting on the ladies softball.
If you put in his comment followed by mine it will make sense. Is it
possible for you to copy or retype the paragraph below, because I
forgot to include it in the written file?

The photo I included is the Canadian Ladies Softball Team that played
again the Roverettes in Madison Square Garden. In the photo the team is at
the restaurant of Jack Dempsey, the Heavyweight Boxing Champion. He is in
the back of the photo.


More GPK Girl Softball Pics

1930's Girls Softball in GPK

I was looking at some old documents I had from about 1930 that demonstrate what a hotbed for girls’ softball Greenfield Park was at that time. Four of the pages are from a program given out at the games.

It all began with three teams – the Emeralds, the Cardinals and the Royals about 1927. After a couple of years of play in the Park, the girls wanted a bigger challenge, so they entered one team – the Cardinals – in the Major Ladies Softball League in Montreal. This league was a going concern in the city. They played an entertaining brand of ball that attracted almost as many fans as some of the men’s leagues.

My mother Edythe Hineson, (she spelled her name that way then) played on the Cardinals. Others on the team were Alice Hayman, the catcher, from Mackayville; Barbara Hicks, whose memories are in my book; Charlotte Hall lived on Burton St.; Dorothy Shirley who lived on the corner of Elm and St. Charles Road; Jessie Kirk, the aunt of Ricky and Robbie Kirk; Dorothy Biel, the daughter of the town’s barber at that time (before Bud the Barber); Kitty Parker who lived on Springfield near Kipps Store; Betty Banning, probably related to Brenda Banning; Dorothy Burgess who lived on Third St. near the Perras’ stables; and Sarah Sexton, for whose family Sexton St. is named. The coach was George Carter who lived in what is now Mackayville, near the Guy La Patatte Restaurant, on Edward Blvd. now Churchill. (This will be known by most steame and poutine eaters still in the Park.

The Park produced so many excellent girl softball players that teams in Montreal, often companies, hired the girls to play on their company teams. You will notice that the M.A.A.A. club, one of the top sports clubs in Montreal, had two Park players on their squad – Barbara Groves – the aunt of the late Warren, Jeff, the late Bonnie, Randy, Margie and Timmy Groves of Regent St. People will also recall that Barbara worked for many years as a cashier at the A&P on Devonshire Road (now Victoria). Also Rennie Denyar, the aunt of Eric (Rick) Denyar who lived on the corner of Third and Empire next to Chalmers Store.

Greenstripe Ladies A.C. had two Park players on their team: Violet Zinniker, the sister of Bill and John Zinnicker, whose stories are also in the memories section of my book. Also Theo Keeley, a tremendous runner as well as ballplayer, who lived on King Edward Ave.

Note also the way the telephone numbers are indicated: for example – ATlantic 4539 or our South Shore numbers:
ORchard 5173.

The Sectretary of the Murray’s Athletic Club was Hilda Strike who won a silver medal for Canada in I believe the 1932 Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles.

I also included a photo of my mother rouding first base after a hit. I don’t know where the photo was taken but it was probably not in the Park. She also doesn’t appear to be wearing a Cardinals jersey, so it probably dates to after 1932.
My mother continued to play in the Montreal Major Ladies Softball League with many other Parkers after the Cardinals folded. They even played indoors in the Montreal Forum in the winter; and an all star team of Montreal girls traveled to New York City to play against the Roverettes, the best women’s softball team in the Eastern U.S. They played indoors there as well, in Madison Square Gardens. The U.S. girls won easily.

John Riley
Thanks John

Girls Softball 1930's in GPK ( J. Riley)

Margaret Gives New Meaning to Words

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: Two physicians

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Physically removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: A size 8 person in a size 6 dress.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

Thank Margaret.

Dont mess with a Newfie

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck, knocking him to the floor.

The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea.
"Well, the Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
"That's a judo chop from Japan." he says.

The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American bully sitting at the bar.

He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, eh.........
tell him that was a friggin' crowbar from Canadian Tire!"

Thanks from one of our readers..

Tough Mice

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says,
"Let me tell you how tough I am." I spot a trap and go for the cheese.

When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine.
With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?" The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this crap,

I need to get home to screw with the cat."

Thanks Bob
Certainly not TEN's cat (Wed. annimal of the day)

What's For Dinner??

Thanks Louisa

Importance Of A Name

Bob decided to go skiing with his buddy, Ralph. They loaded up Bob's pick-up truck and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Bob said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Bob got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Ralph and said,

"Ralph, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Ralph's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Thanks Bob
Still sticking it to Ralph Eh..