Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Airline Humour

Subject: I love West Jet Airlines. They appeal to my sense of's why......


West Jet is an airline with head office situated in Calgary,

West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (there is no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On another West Jet flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario,
a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet flight
245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your

mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them
are on this flight!"

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Edmonton: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.
If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop fromWinnipeg to Montreal. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled! a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled, "That's
You should see the back of mine!"

Thanks Barb H.

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