Thursday, July 19, 2007

For Ralph & Millie

A fresh slant on the rules of golf.

Proper cheating is key to golf. It is a fundamental part of the game.
Like life, golf is primarily an eternal confrontation between good and
evil, pitting Satan, who hates golf, against God, who owns a house on
Pebble Beach. It is the golfer's duty to assist the Lord in crushing
evil wherever it is found. The Devil's work is easy to spot. When the
fairway is 400 yards long and maybe 50 yards wide, God did not intend
your drive to stop behind the only stupid tree on the course that will
totally screw up your next shot. Six more inches in any direction and
you'd be fine, but no ... it has to stop behind the tree. You think God
did that? No way, that was the Devil.

Similarly, when you've got an easy chip shot and instead you whack it
into the trap, it's obviously not your fault-- especially since you've
been hitting chip shots fine all day. It's Lucifer at work, and it is
God's will that you should foil his malevolent ways by taking steps to
reverse his actions. All balls behind trees should be moved just enough
to open a path to righteousness, and a clear shot at the green. Of
course, there is a right way and wrong way to take these actions. God
hates a show-off, so the proper way to reposition your ball on the road
to redemption is when your playing partners aren't looking, lest they be
shamed by your superior devotion.
You must also be ever-vigilant against undertaking Satan's work on his
behalf. Any golfer who seeks to turn another golfer towards the
darkness --for instance by saying things like, "Watch that water on the
left," or making you putt anything under six feet --is committing a
mortal sin and will spend eternity in hell, stuck behind a foursome of
senior ladies.

Thanks Barry & Louise D.

No comments: