Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Careful who you mug

To the  Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )

    Reply  to:  [?]Date:2009-01-06, 3:43AM  EST

    I was  the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I  hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my  girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.  I hope you somehow come across this  message.

    I'd like  to apologize. I didn't  expect  you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my  jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that  evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend  had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Chris tmas,  and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.  Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed  at your head, isn't  it?

    I know  it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever  you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your  pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving  your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. 

I couldn't have you  calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us  again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as  you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your  situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your  shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's,  along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet  itself in a dumpster. 

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from  your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know  which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had  the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's  going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your  service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the  DA's office with it. Oh  well.

    So,  about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you  did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up  to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to  help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used  on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder?  

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making  you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider  your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so  lucky.

    If you  read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry.  Peace!

    -  Alex

Thanks Jim E.

No comments: