Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Judas Asparagus

   If  you need a laugh today, then  this should do  it! I can't QUIT giggling!

      A  child was asked to write a book report on the entire  Bible.

  This  is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my  eyes.

  I  wonder how often we take for granted that  children understand  what we are teaching???

    Through  the eyes of a child:

    The  Children's Bible in a  Nutshell

   In  the beginning, which occurred near the start, there  was  nothing  but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible  says,  'The  Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than  that.

    Anyway,  God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone  did.

    Then  God made the world.

   He  split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were  naked,  but  they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't  been  invented  yet.

    Adam  and Eve  disobeyed God by eating one bad  apple,  so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not  sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have  cars.

    Adam  and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as  long  as  he was Abel.

    Pretty  soon all of the early people died  off,  except for Methuselah, who lived to  be like a million or something.

    One  of the next important people was Noah, who was a good  guy,  but  one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built  a  large  boat and put his family and some animals on it. He  asked  some  other people to join him, but they said they would  have  to take a rain check.

     After  Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was  more  famous  than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob  his  birthmark  in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a  son  named  Joseph who wore a really loud sports  coat.

    Another  important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was  Charlton  Heston.   Moses led the Israel Lights out of    Egypt  and  away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on  Pharaoh's  people.  These plagues included frogs, mice,  lice,  bowels,  and no cable.

   

 God  fed the Israel Lights every day  with  manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten  Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke,  dance, or covet your  neighbor's  stuff.

   Oh,  yeah, I just thought of one more:  Humor  thy father and thy mother.

    One  of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the  first  Bible  guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol  and  the  fence fell over on the town.

    After  Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing  a  giant  with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who  had  about  300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was  wise,  but  that doesn't sound very wise to me.

    After  Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One  of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and  then  barfed  up on the shore.    There  were also some minor league  prophets,  but I guess we don't have to worry about  them.

    After  the Old Testament  came the New  Testament.  Jesus is the  star  of The New.  He was born in    Bethlehem  in a barn.   (I  wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always  saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It  would  be  nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I  was.')

    During  His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners  like  the  Pharisees and the Democrats.

    Jesus  also had twelve  opossums.

   The  worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that  they  named  a terrible vegetable after him.

    Jesus  was a great man.  He healed many leopards and  even  preached  to some Germans on the  Mount.

     But  the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before  Pontius the  Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just  washed his hands instead.

    Anyways,  Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.   He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of  the  Aluminum.   His return is foretold in the book of  Revolution.

  

    -------You  must share this delightful story!  --------

Thanks Barb H.

 

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