Sunday, March 08, 2009

Pets

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

>                

>                Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours

> and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

> Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not

> stake a

> claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that

> aestheticallypleasing in the slightest.

> 

>                The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a

> racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping

> me doesn't

> help because I fall faster than you can run.

>                

>                I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very

> sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the

> couch to

> ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up

> in a  ball

> when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to

> each other,

> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that

> stickingtails straight out and having tongues hanging out on

> the  other end to

> maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

>                

>                For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!

> If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door

> shut, it is

> not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get

> your paw

> under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit

> through the same

> door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -

>                canine/feline attendance is not required.

>                

>                The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell

> the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

>                

>                Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following

> message on  the front door:

> 

>                TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT

> OUR PETS:

>                

>                (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their

> hair on  your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why

> they call it

> 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most

> people. (4)

> To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted

> sons/daughters  who are

> short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

> 

>                Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1)

> eat less,  (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are

> easier to train,

> (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car,

> (6) don't

> hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8)

> don't  want

> to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest

> fashions,  (10) don't

> need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get

> pregnant, you can

> sell their children 

Thanks Barry & Louise D.

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