Monday, July 20, 2009

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold & wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that the open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm & wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale & tasteless.

FAULT: glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor is blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect & textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you & smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on someone cushy - looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It’s water. Someone is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.

FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

--

Thanks Murray P.

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