Monday, November 23, 2009

An Oldie but Goodie....

Description of common tools and their uses:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you

in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting

the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in

the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about

the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to start the process of rounding off bolt

heads. Sometimes used in the creation of knuckle abrasions.

PLIERS: Used to complete the process of rounding off bolt heads.

Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert

minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija

board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence

its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers completely round off bolt

heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat

to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for

igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you

want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch

wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC JACK: A tool used for raising a car to change a flat

tire that seldom fits under a car with a flat tire.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the

ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,

trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most

shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that

more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the

inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile

strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals

under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans

and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the

name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes

used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable

screws and butchering your palms.

WIRE CUTTERS: Handy for cutting wires and zip ties. Can also be

used to determine the presence of electricity.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip

or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer

nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most

expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works

particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,

liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund

checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for

slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the

garage while yelling 'Dammit' at the top of your lungs. It is

also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Thanks Ralph B.

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